Sympathetic pain and fears

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Mom’s bench in her hometown Decorah, IA

Every step of life brings its challenges no matter who you are and where you are in your life. Something new always pops up. Losing my mom was something I never could have prepared for even though I was able to be with her while her health declined. Regardless it changed me.

Having Hayden has changed me way more than I could have ever imaged. I truly know what it’s like to want to live for someone and that really put my mom’s life and battle in perspective. Was she fearful of the changes she was facing? If she was she never shared those fears. The one thing that scares me most in life is not living to see my son and future children grow. I know what it’s like to live without a parent and that pain crushes me every day. It’s baggage I carry with me into all my relationships and will be constant emotions I’ll forever deal with. I never want Hayden to know what that is like. I know that can’t control the future but I can choose to live in the moment and show him that he is loved. He has made me realize how much my parents really love me. Like now I know why they seemed like overbearing, helicopter parents at times and I wish I could tell my mom “I get it.”

In the past few months, a lot of loss has happened to incredible people from my hometown and close to me. While I wasn’t overly close to all of them or more than a familiar face, knowing that their loved ones are having to cope with the loss makes my heart hurt. Once you’ve experienced the loss of loved one, you hate seeing others experience the same because you know how bad the pain hurts. Whenever a loss happens to someone and I hear about it, I immediately am taken back to those final moments with my mom. My sisters, dad and Grandma Olson letting her know she could go and no longer needed to struggle. I thank God we got that moment.

This post was really just a ramble of emotions but that is what my grief looks like. Some days are good and some are bad but I try my hardest to show my mom a smile and I’m grateful to have an amazing Angel mom who can help comfort me during those hard days even from a far.

 

This entry was posted in Grief.

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