Sympathetic pain and fears

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Mom’s bench in her hometown Decorah, IA

Every step of life brings its challenges no matter who you are and where you are in your life. Something new always pops up. Losing my mom was something I never could have prepared for even though I was able to be with her while her health declined. Regardless it changed me.

Having Hayden has changed me way more than I could have ever imaged. I truly know what it’s like to want to live for someone and that really put my mom’s life and battle in perspective. Was she fearful of the changes she was facing? If she was she never shared those fears. The one thing that scares me most in life is not living to see my son and future children grow. I know what it’s like to live without a parent and that pain crushes me every day. It’s baggage I carry with me into all my relationships and will be constant emotions I’ll forever deal with. I never want Hayden to know what that is like. I know that can’t control the future but I can choose to live in the moment and show him that he is loved. He has made me realize how much my parents really love me. Like now I know why they seemed like overbearing, helicopter parents at times and I wish I could tell my mom “I get it.” Continue reading →

This entry was posted in Grief.

Father’s day love

IMG_7285 Life got away from me and I neglected to post this gem but here it is…sorry for the delay dad.

I was born on Father’s Day which I like to think is a gift that keeps on giving. My mom had me at 6:39 am and my dad played in a golf tournament that evening which he ended up winning. Daddy’s good luck charm right here. There was an article in the paper and I love looking back at it and all the things my mom saved over the years. Her hoarding = my treasures.

 

Living four hours from my dad is hard but it’s especially hard on Father’s Day. I am blessed to have an amazing dad. So much of our childhood was spent attending various running events, laughing, playing, dancing to music on VH1 or the record player and eating sweets. I never realized how much of what I love is because of him. Running, The Eagles and 70s rock in general, SWEETS, being outdoors and the list goes on. I will never forget at my wedding when the song “Already Gone” by The Eagles came on and we turned to look at it each other. Continue reading →