Happy birthday mom.

Blog1     Welcome. This blog is a new project for me but it really feels like it’s been writing itself for years. In the past five years, my life has thrown so many curveballs, presented painful obstacles and sadness, but also had some crazy beautiful experiences. It will be five years this October since my mom lost her battle to stage 3c ovarian cancer, and life since her diagnosis has always been bittersweet. It’s hard to make new memories without her, just like it was hard to make memories during her fight in fear they’d be her last. If her death has taught me anything, it is to live each day as if it’s my last but to never apologize for continuing to mourn her. Never feel bad for being sad. Grief goes on and it will never go away. I struggle every day to accept that she is no longer here, but in that struggle, I try to remember how she would want to see me from Heaven and that gives me the strength to make the most of what I have because I’m still here and get to have it.

To do this, I challenge myself each day to incorporate her into my life. Whether it’s going for a run, baking for coworkers, sending flowers to a friend or painting my office teal, it’s my way to spend time with her, doing something she loved, and I love it.

Blog2This blog is a gift to my mom, myself and anyone else in a similar situation. She keeps reminding me to start it, throwing ideas into my head at midnight and having friends and strangers reach out for advice on how to grieve or support someone who is.

Soooo… mom I did it. Here it is!! I love you. I decided it would be my birthday gift to you. Happy Birthday MOM!!

In honor of the fifth anniversary of the last birthday we celebrated together (can’t say we really celebrated that day since you were also diagnosed). So, it’s really the sixth anniversary since the last time we really celebrated your birthday. It pains me that it took you being sick, fighting so hard and passing away for me to realize how much I love you. And, it hurts even more to know that it took me having Hayden to realize how much you love me. I wish I could hug you and thank you for loving me that much. I’d give anything to have you here and I know you know this but some days I catch myself crying so hard it hurts. It’s my, I’m 3 years old and the harder I cry I’ll get my way and you’ll come back cry. I LOVE YOU. Happy Birthday in Heaven.

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